Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
