You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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