I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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