Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
