Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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