gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
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smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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