nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
