just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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