Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
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she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All the doctor said was why
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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