Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
