Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
