My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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