Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
