Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So vagazzling was a success
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
