This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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