i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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