honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
