I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
