Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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