why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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