I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
