Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
