how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
