and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
