Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
