im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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