i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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