im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
