the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
