it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?