I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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