bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
