Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
