Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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