Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
