I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
