I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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