Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
