i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
