Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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