There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
