just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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