I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You made out with two different species that night
Randomize
