You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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