I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Welp...herpes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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