we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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