She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
