god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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