I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
