Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
