I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
