If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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