You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
