I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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