Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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