porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
