Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
