Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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