if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
