first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels