Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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