I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text