I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
