Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
